My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
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My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
(Musicians.)
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Well, that didn’t work.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun