He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
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BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Yeah. This was me today.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
it was love at first sight
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms