H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
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The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito