Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
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Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.