It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
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[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
water it, i dare you
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.