Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
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The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what