Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
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The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing