Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
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I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
…u ok Nintendo?
me irl
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE