DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
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I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia