If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
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I like donuts.
Twitter:
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Eat…
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.