“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
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[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
i think we should see other cousins
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
There are usually two types of merchants.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling