What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
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Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
You are not alone 💚
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THEY’RE EVOLVING.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
*checks Timeline*…
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
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