Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
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*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Florida man
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application