(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
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*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.