bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
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Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
bias laundering edition
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳