I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
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Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
*me flirting
somewhere, in an alternate universe
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.