[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Ugh
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science