Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
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Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee