Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
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*puts cutlery down*
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
there’s probably a fee though
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!