Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
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It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING