I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
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Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.