The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
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Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
The Onion called it…again.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.