just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
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[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Banana is the quietest snack
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Don’t we all.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF