Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
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Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that