“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
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Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
😬
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
thanks auntie mary
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days