[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
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Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES