A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
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Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I never know how much to tip a cow.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”