When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
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Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.