is nasa ok
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[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
bought wrong eggs
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
termite twitter scares me
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed