What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
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My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
That was easy.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
become ungovernable
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.