Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
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Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.