My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
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she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
kids play hide and seek like
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
the battle rages on
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Every. Damn. Time.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.