I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
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Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.