Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
You Might Also Like
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.