5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
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“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
when u come home smelling like another dog
oh shit
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.