How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
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In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.