Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
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The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Don’t tell me what to do
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*