CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
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I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel