I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
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We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
181.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️