so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
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Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Start the year as you intend to continue.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*