Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
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#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad