PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
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I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Here’s a meme
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.