*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
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The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Florida be like…
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt