i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
You Might Also Like
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Finally
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still