[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
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Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.