The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
guys i’ve cracked the code
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Stop being racist to kettles.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now