still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
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Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Expect the unexporcupine.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.