[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
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They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist