My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Denise please return my vape pen
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.