14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
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Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart